Mind Your Manners, Kid…

Simply typing the word discipline is cringe-inducing for me. I've long possessed a general disdain for sovereignty, particularly following rules, beginning in early childhood.

Now, I strive for self-discipline on an hourly basis. As a mom, my responsibility is to build the foundation for my six-year-old son's future firmness of purpose.

But, enforcing punishment and control is strikingly difficult for me.

Most of the time, I suck at it thoroughly.

About a month ago, my kid said "yes, ma'am" in response to my question, and I'm sure it's one of three times he's ever used that salutation with me.

Okay, pick your jaw up from the floor, sir or madam, and allow me to explain.

It's my opinion—and a strong one, I should add—that children do not owe anything to adults just because they're older. I believe that it doesn't matter if you're four or sixty-four years of age; respect should be earned rather than freely given.

Now, that's not to say that children should be anything but cordial and courteous toward people. And, I mean all people, even if keeping your mouth shut when you have nothing nice to say is the way you go about it.

My kid addresses his teachers with a sir or ma'am. Those are the school's rules, and we respect the staff as leaders; they are, after all, guiding and caring for him daily (much like I do, except, for me, ma’am is not a requirement.)

When it comes to his outward bearing, I teach my son always to be aware of other human beings with whom he shares the world.

From this distinctive parenting style, I'm learning that placing a bit of authority in my son's hands makes him feel less anxious and instills a sense of greater trust between us.

Perhaps, this makes me a lenient administration, but I have one well-behaved little boy to show for it, nonetheless.

Fostering appropriate, acceptable behavior in a child is a direct path to raising an emotionally mature adult.

As someone who frequently identifies as an emotionally juvenile adult, I speak from experience.

These days, I find my emotive age on par with my physical number of life years most of the time. And, thank goodness, because telling children to "Do as I say, but not as I do" does not achieve effective discipline.

There are times when I want to yell at him because remaining calm doesn't seem to be getting my point across, but I refrain as best I can.

If an angry outburst is my first response to any action set forth by my kindergartener, then my behavior is just as poor, if not worse, than his.

I concentrate less on bad behavior and more on approval and praise as powerful motivators for good behavior. Lectures don't work with my kid, and I consider them counterproductive anyway.

If I reserve discipline for correcting misbehavior only, it won't be very effective. Instead, investing time into explaining to my boy how to resolve conflict peacefully rather than reprimanding him works better for us.

Like addicts with their drug of choice, kids will continue a lousy behavior if they can't put their finger on a healthier replacement behavior.

I know many ex-junkies that now religiously exercise at the gym or dig a similarly innocuous habit as a proxy for scoring dope and shooting up.

Playing guitar, painting, and writing are just a few of the routes in replacement therapy on which I've successfully embarked.

Although I should probably amend it, the likelihood of me finding the discipline to run or workout daily isn't too high.

The bottom line is that redirecting my child's attention to a promising alternative in contradistinction to typical punishment like time-out, per se, will almost guarantee a better outcome.

Self-Discipline For Recovering Dopamine Junkies…

I'm not an early riser except when I have to be. I would love nothing more than to be like my two main guys in that regard. But I'm not a morning person. I find my groove around two o'clock in the afternoon.

With that said, I do wake up sober, and for me, that is a victory in and of itself. So, I focus on that rather than waking up a couple of hours earlier for prayer, meditation, and yoga, amongst other things that I've read up on that might aid me in having an overall better day.

I cannot stress enough that I am an absolute work in progress.

I recently spoke to two very different people about the same issue they both face. From the outside looking in, one of these people is a woman who appears to have it all. The other is a guy who is very much down on his luck in this season of life.

They both told me that they struggle with waking up happy and don't always feel confident that they know their intrinsic purpose in life.

I feel this.

When I first got sober, I missed the dopamine rush I would get when first opening my eyes in the morning and remembering that I had a purpose: to get more dopamine as soon as possible.

To some, that might seem like a painful way to live. But, the brain is an intricate organ, and once predictable neurotransmissions train it to respond a certain way, it's challenging to untrain.

Though it terrifies me because it's not always comfortable, self-discipline is slowly fixing my noodle. Every day I must remind myself that I can and will overcome my dopamine addiction by doing the next right thing.

How? With the knowledge that in the space between stimulation and reaction lies choice. I have the power to choose how well or poorly my life plays out day-to-day.

As human beings, we make conscious choices thousands of times a day, and each of those decisions has a consequence. But, unfortunately, I've spent most of my natural life ignoring the latter.

To refrain from being a bondservant to the dopamine reward my brain has become accustomed to receiving, I had to change my mind; the key to doing so is a trifecta of acceptance, balance, and purpose.


Those close to me know I'm slacking off on this and becoming unmotivated to succeed when my email inbox reaches over fifteen hundred unread messages, and I sleep until noon.

It happens.

The trick is not to stay in the pit of your despair for too long.

One might think that the beautiful child I birthed, who is happy and cheerful every morning, would be enough to keep me in check.

Remember what I said about balance? It's delicate and consists of many other facets aside from being a mom. 

The absence of good discipline I experienced as a child, along with an attention deficit disorder that, to this day, I'm unable to treat with medicine because I'm an addict, makes for a bumpy ride along the highway of adulthood. 

But, I accept that without remorse or resentment and keep trudging the road to happy destiny—one day at a time—while making sure my kid has all the resources he requires available at his disposal.

So, in a way, the boy does keep me disciplined, even when I lack much motivation.

I appreciate the simplicity in how Mike Tyson described discipline when he said, "My definition of discipline is doing what you hate to do, but do it like you love it."

It is that simple, folks. 

And I can almost guarantee that if you follow this advice, you will hate doing the thing less and less, and eventually, you might even love it, especially if such discipline equals saving your own life.

This week’s links: 

Sober as a Mother Podcast

Mike Tyson’s Tweet About Discipline

AAP Publication: Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children

NAMI.org Personal Stories (Mental Health Awareness Month)